Shattered
By I.F
It always starts with a rainy night, what a coincidence it is that tonight is pouring.
The universe is crying for me, with me.
The thunder is screaming out my heartache whereas I myself cannot.
The winds are howling my fear as fierce as my heartbeat.
The heartbeat I try to quieten for if it betrays me, I’m dead.
But wouldn’t death be the better option? better than living like this?
But what if it isn’t.
What if in death there’s just more heartache, but without a sky to cry with you or thunder to scream for you.
Isn’t that infinitely worse? I think it is.
It isn’t… is it?
It can’t be.
I can’t live with this.
I can’t die like this.
Maybe after everything I’m even more terrified at the thought of being alone.
Dying alone.
So I try to draw in my fear and still my treacherous heart.
The same heart that up until this morning held hope deep in its depths. Hopes that I wouldn’t always have to suffer at the hands of you. Hopes that one day I can look at rain and think those tears of joy for my survival, our survival.
There are others... newer one’s, lost one’s with fresh hope, Hopes of rescue.
The wind blows stronger, I can hear them.
But I know, I know it well... you got to be your own hero until you can’t, until your rebellious spark dies, until your fight drains.
I know.
I only wished they knew.
It would have been able to save them from a scar or two .
Maybe I can save them. But I cant… can I?
Maybe its good my hope is gone.
Because my conscience went with it, my sanity.
I hear footsteps, the same footsteps I hear everyday - on good days only once.
I hear footsteps, its fast approaching.
The rain beats down harder.
I dry my eyes, I no longer have hope in me or fight. But I dry my eyes because it gives you joy to have a broken begging woman. I’m broken but I wont beg, not anymore... not again.
Thunder booms.
I let myself be dragged to you, how foolish you are in all that self importance and ignorance.
How confident you are that we are docile whimpering women.
We are… I am.
The winds howl mercilessly.
But fear be damned, sanity be damned.
Heaven be damned.
Lightening flashes across the sky, thunder boom in its wake -once, twice. Lightening strikes for the second time tonight.
Shattered glass, a body bleeding out on the rug. Blood on my hands… Its vile, rancid blood.
Rancid from all the cries of us.
Its not me, I’m not… I couldn’t. I’m docile… I’m helpless.
I can’t possibly.
I want to go to heaven.
I don’t want to suffer alone.
Alive or dead.
I don’t want to suffer alone.
But you aren’t moving, not anymore and I’m the only onehere.
It must be me.
I saved the new ones... the lost ones, the ones with fresh hope. Hopes of rescue.
They will go to heaven, not now… later.
But they will go and they will go without scars.
I did that... For them.
Its pouring tonight but its no longer thundering, no hint of lightening.
For the first time in the longest time I let the tears that the universe cries for me wash off the blood of a monster.
I let the winds chase away its scent.
And I pray with all my shattered pieces for heaven.
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